Guatemala Wedding

Last Sunday we had the opportunity to attend another traditional Guatemalan ceremony—Miriam, one of my co-workers from the clinic, was getting married. Miriam, who’s 22, is currently finishing her degree in psychology from the University of San Carlos, the national university of Guatemala, and in her free time she volunteers, like me, as a health educator in the clinic. Unless you knew better, you’d assume Miriam fell into the typical “modern Guatemalan” mold—urban-raised, urban-educated, non-indigenous—and that was what I’d always assumed. But Miriam actually grew up, and still lives, in a small, rural, Mayan village, which is where they held the wedding. It was really very kind of her to invite us, and it turned out to be an interesting experience, but, this being Guatemala, it was not without its quirks. And I just can’t help myself.

We met at 8:15 the morning of the wedding in Parque Central, the city center of Xela, and our usual gathering point. Miriam had arranged for a micro to come pick us up and take us to her town. Micros are full-sized vans (like the kind typically used by carpenters or plummers) fixed up with a few modifications (modifications = more seats). They are the preferred method of transportation for intercity and short-distance travel, because, unlike chickenbuses, they have a turning radius smaller than a football field. They seat about 12 comfortably, so, naturally, you’re lucky if you find one with less than 20. On the upside, such an occupancy pretty much eliminates the need for seatbelts (when you’re so packed that you can’t breathe, you really don’t run much risk of being thrown from the vehicle…and in the case of an accident, the first thing your head would hit would probably be the ass of the person in front of you…how’s that for an airbag?). On soccer-game nights, you can expect to see people hanging out the door. They also only cost about $0.13 per ride. Anyway, long story short, we had all gathered at 8:15, our scheduled departure time, but again, this being Guatemala, our driver showed up at 10:15. We had made the grave error of neglecting to account for “Guatemala Time.” Guatemala Time is an interesting, yet very, very unnatural phenomenon, which had baffled me, and many fellow first-world travelers, for months. However, I’m thrilled to relate that now, after extensive research, I have finally landed on the equation for Guatemala Time, which I am honored to share with you now for the first time:

Guatemala Time = “Agreed Upon Time” (in quotes because it will, without doubt, be subject to debate after the fact) + 1 minute for every person counting on you to be on time + 5 minutes for every workday since the prior weekend (Monday 5, Tuesday 10…) + 30 minutes for Sundays + 1 hour for every alcoholic beverage consumed the night before + 2 hours for every alcoholic beverage consumed the day of. While this method has proved to be a surprisingly sure proof prediction of unpredictability, some travelers, daunted by the advanced calculations, or perhaps unwilling/unable to estimate the values pertaining to the number of consumed alcoholic beverages, have found it easier to tape a paper replica of a clock to a dartboard, blindfold themselves, and “let ‘er fly.”

Oh, how I digress! Okay, back to the wedding. Kind of. It just so happened that on the day of the wedding there was also a celebration in Xela in honor of the city’s patron saint. And, since we had some time to wait, we went to check it out. In the streets surrounding Parque Central, groups of people had begun decorating the ground. From afar it looked like a side-walk art of sorts, but then up close you realized that it wasn’t actually chalk, but rather…painted sawdust. Designs had been laid out on giant mats, and were then carefully filled in, handfuls of sawdust at a time, and then pressed down with iron-like instruments. The result was a beautiful “carpet” that covered the route of the precession. It was a nice diversion, but two hours later, when our driver did finally show up, we were about ready to go.

After about a half hour ride into the countryside, we arrived at a church that literally looked like it had been dropped out of the sky into a cornfield. Despite the delay, it seemed we had arrived just in time. Within fifteen minutes, the couple said their “I do’s” and received the congregations feverous blessings. Then came the sermon, delivered by a male preacher, which included such points as: the man is the “head and leader” of the family, women should be the ones to get up in the middle of the night and take care of the kids because they fall back to sleep easier, and wives shouldn’t talk badly about their husbands. Of course, through it all, he reminded us that men and women are equal, just…a little different. And that you need to grow and develop together, otherwise you’ll be like a deformed child, with one half its body bigger than the other. And nobody wants that. I think we all learned a lot about relationships.
When the service ended, we all followed the newly-weds out the door, not really knowing what would come next. Not in my wildest dreams, however, could I have ever imagined…that everyone would follow the bride and groom onto a rented-out chicken bus waiting to escort us to the bride’s house. There’s just no words…I can’t….congratulations Guatemala, you win. And it wasn’t even a well-decorated one, notably lacking in the chrome decaling, the colorful installations, and the mix-and-match Jesus stickers that make the rides so much more enjoyable. Anyway, at the bride’s house the couple was presented with several of the larger gifts from their closest family. I, on the other hand, was not presented with lunch. Back onto the chickenbus and on to the groom’s house. Ah, now comes the lunch! I knew there was a reason I came to this thing…The food was really good, especially since they had to cook for 300 people. Aren’t you glad God invented catering services?

After lunch, Miriam gave us a personal tour of her brand new house, conveniently located…right next door to her new in-laws. Lucky girl. The rest of us exchanged glances, but it really is a beautiful house. She had just finished showing us around when she was summoned…apparently it was time for the very special Guatemalan tradition of putting an apron on the new bride and having the other married women show her how to work everything in the kitchen. I really couldn’t make this up. That was more than we could take. It was time to go. It’s scary enough to be my age and watch any friend get married, let alone a younger one, and under such…culturally unusual conditions. As soon as we got back to Xela we went straight to a bar and ordered some beer and cheese fries. Ah, comfort food.